Please…

All I want is just a little bit of this every morning:

 

That’s all I want. Something like an hour or two of just that. And I don’t mean 5-6am…

*sigh*…I really miss my morning ritual…

My brain is dead

Recently my brain decided that functioning is not what it’s meant to be doing, and I really missed blogging but can’t come up with anything interesting. So what you get today is complete randomness. So there you go…

 

Buying a house is awesome. Yeah, I realise that Mr V is the one who’s working and paying the mortgage.. For now.. But still, it feels awesome to know that it’s ours and we can do whatever we want without having to deal with EXTREMELY annoying real estate people. And I DO hate them. They are a bunch of most incompetent, annoying, useless people I’ve ever met. Their jobs are completely unnecessary. I just can’t wait to move in to our house! (Which, by the way, is happening at the end of this month). When I think of the things I’m going to do to the house my brain kind of thinks maybe it’s time to start functioning again? But then again, maybe not.. Still, it’s nice to dream…

 

The Baby? Is great. Really, she’s so adorable, communicating a lot, walking everywhere, it’s really amazing to see all that. BUT. Maybe I’m too spoiled and just too used to the nice routine we had. And now that it’s all changing it feels like I’m losing it a little bit. So I constantly have to remind myself that some people (a lot of people) have it much worse than I do and I shouldn’t complain.. Easier said than done, when in the morning I’m so tired I’m very tempted not to get up at all..But then the screaming and crying just feels like I’m getting stabbed in my head with a butcher knife over and over again… Ah, she really isn’t that bad, it sounds a bit over dramatic. Again, shouldn’t complain!!

 

The winter is here, it’s pretty cold (though not too cold) and it rains a lot. I absolutely LOVE it!!! Even though it means that we stay inside a lot and then The Baby starts smacking the front door and begging me to come outside.. Poor thing, it must be driving her nuts!

 

I never have enough time for photography. It’s one of my favorite things to do and I just can’t. get. time. EVER. I would LOVE to sit down and spend some time with my programs, learn new things (because I don’t really know much about it), but it’s just not happening… 

Dear _________…

Dear AMI (Advanced Medical Institute),

I understand that women (the poor housewives that we are, of course) that don’t have anything else to do besides watch TV all day, really appreciate the knowledge that apparently 63% of women (in this country) cannot climax. We really love having that information being shoved into our brains all day long. What we also love is to be told that if we don’t have sex, for some reason, it’s probably OUR fault. I understand. But when my 1 year old daughter goes brain dead every time she sees your retarded ad, that’s when I think we have a problem. Why is it that you think you could put your stupid ads on during the hours when most toddlers are at home AND are watching TV? Is this really when I should start sex education? Or just live on the edge and wait for kindergarten??

 

Dear insurance company,

What kind of business are you running?? Why is it so hard for you to pick up the phone and actually dial the right number? Why is it so difficult to actually look in your forms and see that it says HOME PHONE = YES. MOBILE PHONE = NO. Seriously, do you even want to have clients? Unfortunately you’ve made the same mistake too many times for us, so GOODBYE.

 

Dear P platers,

No one understands freedom to be on your own like I do. I have to walk everywhere or beg people for a ride, and when I do drive it’s with someone who has to make sure I don’t crash the car and kill us all. Really, the day I can drive all by myself will surely be on the list of my most happiest days ever. But when you do 150kmh during school hours on a tiny road that has cars parked on both sides and people with prams (*cough* ME *cough*) trying to cross the road, that’s when I get all 90-year-old and tell you to FUCK OFF AND DIE somewhere else, not on my road.

 

Dear lawyers,

I know that when we were paying you lots of money you were all over us and “couldn’t wait to meet us” as you said in your friendly email. But as soon as we stopped paying you it was as if we never existed. “Oh I’m sorry if the archives are not on premises, it’s because they’re old and what’s your name again? Yeah yeah, I’ll call you”. 3 MONTHS LATER: “What’s your name? I’m sorry, I haven’t got around to getting your file yet. What did you say your name was?” because it’s so hard to get off the chair and walk to a different building. Well, we won’t be doing business with you anymore, that’s for sure.

 

Dear kitchen,

I hate you. I’m so sick of trying to make you look nice when all you want to do is get filthy again. I really, really hate you. You are one of my worst enemies and did I mention I hate you? I don’t have a choice and so I have to keep coming back to you. But just so you know, if it was up to me, you would be burned to the ground. And then maybe I could get one of those disposable kitchens if they even exist. And if they don’t, I might invent one.

Second Mother’s Day

Slept in until almost 9! The Baby was playing happily in her cot by herself. Did I mention she was happy? Yeah.

Awesome breakfast that included HOT coffee that was drunk completely pretty much straight away.

The Baby then slept for additional 2 (TWO!!!) hours while we had the chance to just be totally lazy.

Rain. Cold.

Some parenting DVD I got for free from the hospital when The Baby was born. The main guy is an extremely annoying person, who does NOT have kids, but everything else is meh…ok… The Baby really enjoyed watching other babies while trying to talk to the TV. Unbelievably cute.

Shopping. And more shopping…With The Baby who, despite being very tired, was being REALLY good and patient, and even smiled and waved.

Success! Managed to get The Baby dressed after the bath (when usually it’s Daddy who is the lucky one not to get kicked).

An awesome meal, cooked entirely by my awesome husband, and an awesome wine. That? was AWESOME, as I’m sure I already mentioned once or twice.

Watching the 5th season of The X Files, while eating The Awesome Meal.

Twilight DVD that is waiting for me, occasionally calling my name, just to make sure that we’re still having our date sometime in the next few days.

Blogging and Facebooking in a quiet (though cold) house, knowing that this week is not going to be too bad at all!! :)

The awesomeness of being a Mum

This post is part of HBM’s project “The world according to Mom”. The idea is to get as many mothers around the world as you can to write about their experience of motherhood (specifically 5 things you like about motherhood). So far there are already lots of posts from different countries and I thought I’d add my little self from Australia to this awesome community.

So, 5 things I love about motherhood… It’s not that simple. I have to agree with HBM that being a mother and motherhood are two completely different things. For me, the word “motherhood” always means being a SAHM, baking cookies, cleaning and doing laundry – all things I, without a doubt, very much dislike. Being a SAHM is something I never really thought I would do and even though it’s not that bad to stay home and generally do whatever you want to do, there are expectations that the house will be clean, that there would be a meal cooked every night, that all things related to kids and household will be taken care of. Let me tell you something – my husband knows better than that. Unfortunately for him, he married the wrong kind of woman. I am so not good with cooking and cleaning (but more importantly being consistent) that some days I don’t even consider myself to be a woman. Yeah sure, I gave birth and I do (apparently) have all my girly private parts intact, but that’s about it for me.

Being married is awesome. I love my husband with all my heart and soul and he loves me (or so he tells me), and really, there’s nothing better than to be married to your best friend (besides having a baby with said friend, which we already do, so yeah, life is great). And I’m just glad that I did it all “by the book” – got married first, then had a baby.

Now, enough with all that. Let me tell you why I love being a mother so much. Unfortunately, since I’m not really good at writing it’ll have to be in points :

1. The experience of giving birth was something so amazing and breath taking (literally) that I can’t even begin to explain what exactly I loved about it, maybe if I just say everything (including the pain) it would be clear… From the moment we arrived at the hospital and I was terrified about the whole thing (asking for drugs that eventually did nothing) to the moment when I watched my husband cutting the umbilical cord and that tiny, purple, crying baby in my arms that felt so fragile and strange (and the whole time I was apparently crying as well). I would give a lot for my husband to be able to experience this (even though he would definitely decline). The day my daughter was born changed my life completely and for that I will always be thankful.
2. I love the fact that motherhood allowed me to learn so much about myself. To be devoted to someone so completely was something new to me. Sure, I love my husband and probably would sacrifice my life for him in time of need, but the bond between mother and child is so much more on so many levels, and every day reveals a bit more about me and her. (Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh hunny, but I know it’s probably the same for you and her).
3. Can I just mention all the little things? Like hugs she gives me randomly, slobbery kisses, smiles so genuine and innocent, the look in her eyes that means she’s concentrating or thinking really hard, first steps, reaching to me when she wants to be picked up, clinging to me when she’s unwell or unsure of what to do, following me around most of the time (which can get a bit annoying sometimes, but mostly it’s just awesome), squealing and laughing when Daddy is home, trying to talk and communicate, listening and learning, running away from me when she picks up something off the floor and she knows she’s in trouble, being very good and well behaved when we’re out and about, becoming more independent each day, sleeping through the night and sometimes letting me sleep in, making her “scary face” where she sucks her cheeks in (something that never fails to amuse me), and just in general being the beautiful and easy going baby that she is.
4. Sounds silly, but I actually love saying “my husband” or “my daughter”. After all this time it still feels warm inside when I say these things. I hope I never get over that! Also, when we go to the clinic or somewhere similar and they ask me “are you her mother?” ahh, it sounds so good :)
5. I absolutely love the fact that I miss her so much all the time, for example when I put her to bed at night I know she’ll sleep till the morning and I already miss her and wish she would stay awake for a bit longer. As well as during the day when she has her nap, I sometimes think “just go to sleep already” (if I really want to have some time to myself) and then straight away I wish I didn’t think that way, and that she would be awake… Makes sense? I hope so…

There are other things I love about motherhood like, for example, being really skinny straight after giving birth (on the same day!!) as opposed to what they say that it takes ages to lose that weight (since then I managed to get all that weight back but instead of blaming the baby I'll blame the damn biscuits, but that's another story) and having really big boobs. And as sad as I am to let go of her baby days I’m looking forward to the day she goes to school, or when she starts dancing (because it is clear that she absolutely loves dancing already to whatever music we have playing at the moment, yes, even black metal), or singing or anything else that she might want to do. I just love sharing this journey with her, watching her grow up right before my eyes, helping her form her own opinions about the world and how things work.

For anyone who is reading this and doesn’t have kids, I remember how annoying it used to be for me when all people could talk about was their kids, but now I’m on that side and well, I can’t seem to shut up.

Now, if anyone is reading this (is there a chance that there’s anyone out there who actually reads this blog?) and you are a mother, you are more than welcome to write a post of your own, link to other people and join this awesome project! Also, you might want to go to HBM’s blog and see what you have to do because after all this I can’t remember where I have to link back to etc…

PS. After this post I’m almost certain that one day I’ll write about her birth. Part of me really wants to relive that moment (or 3 days of pain, to be precise).

I can’t believe I forgot…

After all the excitement and the promises, I totally forgot to write a blog post, a letter, ANYTHING, to my beautiful baby girl for her 1st Birthday. I’ve been thinking about it for so long, talking to myself in my head and imagining what this day would be like, and then I just forgot all about it. I suppose it’s not that important since we did have a wonderful day but still, I didn’t think I’d forget something like that.

The Baby got so many presents, Mr V stayed home and just in general it was a beautiful day. We played a lot, sang songs, listened to music, played some more, had a Birthday cake I made (which was edible by the way), and just had fun, all three of us.

This past year has been so special, starting with the birth and coming home from the hospital, trying to figure out what to do with a crying baby, trying to figure out what to do with a baby in general – when to feed, change, bathe, and then we just watched her sleep still thinking there’s something else we probably forgot to do. It was definitely scary, overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time. Then things got easier and we thought we had our routine all figured out and wow we did it all by ourselves and we are so proud and OMG IS SHE SITTING UP ALL BY HERSELF??? What if she falls out of the pram or the cot or off the couch or countless other things…?? I was so paranoid about pretty much everything…

Then one day I came in to her room to find her standing in her cot and smiling at me. I felt so proud… Standing on her own, crawling, taking first steps – it all happened so fast sometimes it seems like I’m still dreaming.

Going to a playgroup was definitely an emotional moment. My baby girl didn’t need me as much as she did before, she crawled away and was happily playing with other kids, only occasionally turning to see if I’m there, if I’m watching. She’s definitely becoming more independent. I guess it’s a lot harder for me because I still cling to the days of her constant need for her Mummy. And as proud as I am that my baby is growing up, some days are still emotional and hard because I know I can’t get that precious time back…

But anyway, enough with the sad stuff. The Baby is 1 year old, it’s an amazing event and we are feeling beyond happy to be her parents. We are definitely looking forward to more smiles, kisses, cuddles and even the not-so-happy days and the struggles. Creating this family is without a doubt the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Happy Birthday beautiful girl. We love you.

Two magical years together

You are…

…The best thing that ever happened to me. You came in to my life when I thought everything was lost and gave me the will to live again (literally). You became my best friend, the person I turn to whenever anything happens. I can’t even go for two hours without talking to you. You are always in my thoughts.

…The best person to have a child with (and I’m not just talking about your good looks). I could never imagine myself having a child with someone else. It just didn’t feel natural, right. But I always knew that you will be the father of my children. When I see you with The Baby my heart feels like it’s about to explode. I’ll never get sick of watching you two having your father-daughter time. It’s the best thing ever.

…The reason I am the way I am today. Not just because everything was bad and then you came and suddenly I had a life again. But also the fact that I try to be nice and polite to people when I couldn’t care less about that before I met you (my parents raised me well but those teenage years almost erased everything…).

…Maybe the last gentleman on Earth. I’ve never been with anyone who treated me the way you do, so it’s fair to say I thought these creatures didn’t exist anymore. And then I met you. (“I was blind but now I see” would be appropriate here).

…So beautiful inside out, so gorgeous, so wonderful in everything you do and everything you are. I know that sometimes it seems too hard and we get angry with each other, but nothing will ever make me love you less. I know I keep telling you how lucky I am to have you but it wouldn’t hurt to say it again.

These last two years meant so much to me, the fact that you decided to spend the rest of your life with me says so much about me and even more about you. Of course, all the time we spent together before that was magical too, but when we exchanged rings and signed that piece of paper that was it for me. And I know it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Now there’s The Baby, she reminds me of you every second of the day. She has your eyes (lucky girl), your nose, your stubbornness, your determination (ok, maybe a bit of mine as well). She knows what she wants and she’ll get it no matter what. Words could not describe how extremely happy I am that she is your daughter. And these days, when I read more and more about child abuse or domestic violence, I think she’s a very lucky girl to have two parents who love each other and her more than anything else. She will know one day that she was conceived in great love. You can’t really blame me for wanting to have more kids with you, can you?

You know I have a selective memory these days, right? So I can’t remember if maybe I said exactly the same things last year. The fact is that you are amazing and all those things I said before, and so whatever I say every year will always be true. And as you can see, this year I didn’t think a card would be enough. So obviously I came to my ever-helpful blog.

So there, I hope our little beautiful family will be together for many many years to come, and you know (because I told you few times) that even when it’s hard or when we fight, it just feels like you are a part of me so nothing bad can ever happen to us. And you also know that I love you no matter what.

You are my “happily ever after”.

Happy Two Years Anniversary, hunny.

My baby is growing up…

To my beautiful baby girl…

You are 11 months old today. This is huge. I don’t even know how we got here so fast. And you’ll be 1 year old in a month!! It’s really hard to believe because I still remember that early morning I gave birth to you. I assume that I will write a post for you when you have your first birthday but I thought why don’t I write one this month as well.

In those 11 months you became an amazing person. The day your Daddy and I brought you home from the hospital was the scariest day of my life. I wasn’t even that scared to give birth (after months and months of stressing out about dying while in labor). You were so helpless and so tiny, you trusted us with your life and we didn’t really know what we were supposed to do. But we had to learn pretty fast.

One of the things I miss the most is breastfeeding. I wish you’d let me continue doing that but you have such clear ideas about what you want and what you don’t want. You can be very stubborn when you want something (you got that from both your parents). And so I had to get used to the idea and maybe mourn a little bit, but I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself, you are such an amazing little girl and you really keep me busy being the beautiful baby that you are. So I guess it keeps me going just to know that there are so many things you and I will get to do in the future, rather than thinking about what we’ll never get to do anymore.

You are so clever. You try to talk to us, you stand up all by yourself, you love walking when we hold your hands, you climb on the couch (!!!), you love cuddling Mummy and we even got you to kiss some of your toys. That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. You concentrate a lot, you observe everything around you and you take everything in. Your smile is the most beautiful smile in the whole world and your eyes are full of thoughts, innocence, curiosity and wonder. To see the world through your eyes, to relive my childhood is the best privilege I got to have (besides, of course, being your mother). And you are the happiest and easiest baby I’ve ever seen / heard about.

I love watching you every day. To me that’s a miracle. Creating life, then watching that life grow and develop in front of your eyes is my idea of “meaning of life”. I feel so lucky that I got to give birth to you, that I’m your mother, that I can be here with you every day and watch you grow and become your own person.

Your Daddy and I love you more than life itself and will always protect you and be here for you no matter what.

Happy 11 months birthday, baby.

Fascinated by her own reflection. Can't blame her, she's gorgeous...

To my wonderful daughter

You are my baby, so it's obvious (to me and your Daddy at least) that I love you more than anything else in this life.

BUT...

When you (in your ultimate wisdom) decide to scream at me, while hitting me in the face or anything that stands in your hands way, and your legs are pushing and kicking me in the ribs, and when your hands are done hitting me in the face they switch to pulling my hair out like you're trying to sacrifice it to the gods of war (YOU DON'T NEED HAIR ANYWAY, MUM), then proceeding to arch your back and throw yourself backwards, which always gives me multiple heart attacks, and then you amaze me (every time) with that silent cry when I don't know if I should laugh of call the ambulance because you look purple and not breathing...

Well... Maybe I'm crazy but that just doesn't feel very nice.

Just so you know.

Did it ever occur to you that you might be wrong?

Because you are. About me anyway. I know sometimes it’s hard to understand, but I actually enjoy staying home with the baby. I like being here. I don’t need to socialise all the time, pretending to complain about how lonely I am (and how hard it is without having my family here and blah blah blah) while sipping a crappy tasting coffee.. In fact, I don’t need to socialise at all. I’m fine right where I am, with my beautiful baby that provides more than enough entertainment for me. I’m happy with my husband being my best friend. I’m perfectly fine hassling him at work when I’m really bored or when I actually need something. I’m going to keep hassling him at work and he loves it (you know you love it, hunny). I’m actually more than happy to discuss “women” things with him like period and mood swings and all sorts of girly things like that. He probably will never understand it on the same level as I do, being a male and all, but at least he won’t pretend to care. He does care.

I can’t be bothered making new friends that I know will not be what I’m looking for anyway. Yeah, you could say I’m fussy. But I think I have a right to be. Why should I bother with people who are not going to care about me and my family the way we deserve? Besides, and maybe it sounds bad, I haven’t even met anyone here who would be worth trying anyway… Especially not since I keep comparing everyone to my old friends back at home. And going out just for the sake of going out? Engaging in meaningless conversations about the market and the weather and telling (and re-telling) all the history of how I ended up where I am countless times? Not my style anymore. (By the way, my husband and I have a beautiful story about how we met, how we fell in love. But telling this story to anyone who’s willing to listen is becoming very old. Because you know, eventually it comes up. “Oh, wow, that is SO amazing, I can’t believe it, oh my god, that is the most beautiful story I’ve ever heard [insert blank stares, awkward silence and sometimes questions they’re dying to ask but never do]”. Yeah, whatever. Next.)

So I don’t need your pity and that look on your face that always says “oh poor thing, she’s always all by herself at home, she must be depressed”. Why does it always have to come down to post natal depression? Because let me tell you, I am NOT depressed. And besides, I find it a little bit offensive when you say I’m all by myself. Doesn’t my baby count at all? She’s always here with me, and even on her bad days she’ll crawl up to me and give me a cuddle. And that is so much better than what any of you could ever do for me. Better than any adult interaction, as you always love to say.

Yeah, I’ll fill out your forms, I’ll answer your questions, you’re just trying to do your job and that’s fine with me. But all the other people, who are just random people, I’ll tell you this – I’m HAPPY. So maybe it’s your turn to be a little bit open minded and realise that some people are different and are perfectly fine in their own little world.

And if there’s an atheist family of 3 out there (baby has to be less than 1 year old), with the wife being a SAHM aged 25-28, who’s obsessed with video games, metal (and good music in general), art, sci-fi and all things supernatural, who lives in our area (even though I can’t tell you where that is) - give me a call.

Told you I’m fussy.